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It Kind of a Long Story December 3, 2009 Thursday

Posted by mrvangeldren in Belleville.
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I don’t want to make this post about pity and I don’t want anyone to feel like I am venting out my feelings, but things are just changing. I don’t know what to do at this point. I thought I didn’t care, honestly I did. I kept reassuring myself and the voice inside my head would say “You are happy! You don’t need them! You have got everything under control.” And I would agree with the voice. Don’t get my wrong I am not lonely and I am not extremely depressed, I just feel estranged from my own group.Why do I feel comfortable with people I have known for just a few weeks, but I can’t seem to utter any words to the friends who I have walked most of my high school years with. The words seem to be in my head, but aren’t  connecting with my voice box. It’s like I am scared to say anything because it will come out all wrong and in the end you won’t care. Maybe I need confidence.

People change, right ? But it’s strange because we didn’t really change at all, we just drifted. I don’t know what it is. We would always say that we have each changed, but be confused because we never thought we changed at all.

We didn’t do anything…that’s it..we didn’t do anything. I knew somethings were wrong and I expected them to fix themselves, but that just isn’t how life works. Things don’t magically fix themselves, you have to work.

But I don’t know, is everything completely my fault? I mean doesn’t a relationship, including friendships, take two people to put in effort? I can say with disappointment that I am probably trying a little to late. But it’s like they say, “Better late then never.”

There would be days when I would be fine, but then other days I just feel a little upset. I mean I don’t care, right? I tell other people I don’t care about you anymore, but I constantly talk about you. If I didn’t care, why would you always come up in my conversations. I guess today I realized that I do care more than I think. I miss being around friends who I have had a past with. I just don’t wanna be a text message you never answer or an i/m you don’t wanna read. I am trying. Can you ?

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